What is a Parenting Plan and do I need one?
Separation and divorce are a difficult experience for the whole family and it is crucial for parents to prioritise any children involved. For most families, parents will want to ensure that despite the big family changes you are all experiencing, your children continue to know they are loved and that they can spend consistent quality time with both their parents and extended families.
The best way to achieve stability for the children is to agree a Parenting Plan with the other parent. Whilst the end of a relationship is traumatic and it is likely both parents are feeling hurt, it is still your responsibility as parents to make arrangements for your children. It is you, the parents who know your children best and it is crucial to try and set aside disputes about who is to blame for the end of the relationship, financial difficulties and worries about the future and focus on ensuring your children enjoy a quality relationship with you both.
As parents your lives will be forever intertwined through your children. You can end your relationship but you will still need to raise your children together and particularly when your children are young, you will need to find an effective way to communicate and to effectively co-parent to enable you provide them with the stability and nurture they need to grow and thrive. Even as your children get older, your lives will remain interconnected with graduations, weddings and possibly grandchildren to enjoy alongside one another one day.
What is a Parenting Plan?
A Parenting Plan is a written agreement worked out between parents after they separate and it covers the practical issues of co-parenting, providing a framework for discussions and an opportunity to detail the arrangements which suit your own individual children’s needs.
Is a Parenting Plan legally binding?
A Parenting Plan is not legally binding, it is however possible to make it into a legal document by asking a solicitor to formalise it into a “consent order”.
Whilst a Parenting Plan does not carry the same status as a court order relating to the children, in the event that at a later stage there was a disagreement which resulted in an application to the court, an agreed parenting plan would be taken into consideration.
How do I make a Parenting Plan?
How you agree a parenting plan will depend on your personal situation. If you are able to meet face to face to sit down together and chat through the practical arrangements that is great, however that is simply not possible for everyone. For some people it would be inappropriate to meet up in person, particularly in cases where there has been domestic abuse, or where one individual may feel intimidated by the other. Or, as is often the case, emotions can be too raw at the beginning of the separation process for you to have a constructive conversation about day to day issues. Involving a professional in the process such as a mediator can be really helpful. They will be able to facilitate conversations, keeping you focused on the main issues and ensure you both are heard and they can help you find a way forward.
What should I put in the Parenting Plan?
Each parenting plan should be unique to the family it relates to. All families are different and as parents you know what your children need best. I recommend that you use a template as a starting point and edit it to suit your individual needs. I strongly recommend you visit the Cafcass website for further information and a parenting plan template.
When starting to consider your parenting plan, bear in mind that the separation process is not straightforward or quick, it is likely to take many months to disentangle your relationship, to resolve all the financial matters and for both parents to sort out their own long-term living arrangements. Take the plans for your children one step at a time, focussing first on the immediate short term arrangements, then looking at the medium term and longer term once your family finances and longer term arrangements are in place. Your plan can and should change as your family adjusts and you find the best way to coparent.
When preparing your parenting plan you need to consider the following
1. Living and Childcare Arrangements
One of the big decisions you will need to make will be whether there will be a main place that the children live and how much time they will spend with each parent. An agreement is also needed as to how you should share time with the children during the school holidays and for special occasions. Term-time and holiday time may look very different. Get hold of the school calendar and consult it, it can often come as a shock to a parent who is not so involved in the day to day care as to how much time the children do not spend in school and thought needs to be given as to how this will be shared. Often special occasions can be a source of conflict, if you find this a sticking point a simple way to deal with them is to alternate them eg. you have your children for Christmas Day this year, next year they will be with the other parent.
You should also give some thought about the practical arrangements of pickups and dropoffs and how the children’s clothes and belongings will be exchanged. Will separate clothes be kept at each home or will items travel back and forth? Who will wash the school uniforms? These relatively minor issues can be a source of real difficulty later as one parent grows frustrated with the other. An early agreement about what is expected can save difficulties later on.
Your arrangements also need to take into account the children’s usual activities and social lives. Check that the arrangements enable the children to continue to see their extended family as maintaining those relationships is important and they can be a source of continuity and comfort to the children during the disruption of their parents’ separation. Don’t be afraid to ask friends and family to help with the arrangements, a grandparent doing a pickup or dropoff for an initial period on behalf of a parent may avoid the potential for parental conflict when emotions are running high during those early days.
2. Money and the Children
Once you have agreed where the children are going to be spending their time on a day to day basis you need to consider how you will both support the children financially. How can you share day to day costs for clothes, school trips, music lessons etc? If financial issues are being resolved as part of the divorce process this can be a tricky issue to address in the early days. Whilst the long-term financial position is unclear, I suggest you focus on making short term arrangements at this stage putting the conflict about the long-term arrangements to one side and prioritising the children’s immediate needs.
You should build in annual reviews as your financial positions and children needs change. You may wish to consult the Child Maintenance Service website to explore how they would calculate child maintenance if an agreement can’t be reached between parents.
https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service
3. Your Children’s Education
You will need to notify the children’s school about the changes at home. It is important you update contact details on their records to ensure you both receive communications and updates from the school and the school also know who the first contact is in an emergency. You will also need to review the contact details held by your GP, dentist etc.
Take a pause and consider whether there any big decisions required shortly in relation to education as you don’t want to forget closing dates for any school applications etc. With all the disruption you are currently experiencing it is easy to overlook sending in an application. Even if a school choice is a few years away, if you are in agreement now it may be worth recording the intention in your parenting plan and who will be responsible for the application to avoid confusion and potential conflict later.
It is really worth considering putting in place some therapy or counselling for your children. The breakdown of their parents’ relationship is a big change for children and putting extra support in place for them can be really beneficial in the longterm. If your children are upset and distressed this will add significant more stress to your separation. If possible, try and take this further and consider individual therapy for both parents and family therapy. I appreciate that the expense for counsellors and therapists comes at a time when family finances are likely to be stretched, however, it will benefit you all if your family finds a way to get through the separation process in as positive way as possible and able to communicate effectively about your feelings and wishes going forward.
4. Communication
Particularly in the early days of separation, it is sensible to set out ground rules about communication. Emotions are raw and discussions about child arrangements can quickly turn into arguments about finances and the separation which are best avoided.
With the exception of emergency situations, at least to begin with, contact should be strictly limited to what is necessary and take place via email where possible. Keep communication about the children to just that topic, don’t allow yourself to stray in to finances, your relationship etc, deal with that separately. You need to put clear boundaries in place so that you can communicate about the children effectively and with time this will become easier. My preference for email is that I find people tend to think more carefully when writing an email than when firing off What’s App and text messages.
Define what constitutes an emergency and ensure you answer your phone when the other parent calls with an emergency. Some discussion on this topic helps set expectations, do you expect a call if the child has a fever, a doctors appointment? Understanding what the other parent anticipates wants to be informed about will prevent difficulties and misunderstandings later.
You will need to find an effective way to communicate routinely about the children. Thankfully there are an array of products to assist such as handover books and apps. These are really worth investing in, particularly in the early days until things settle into a routine and you find your own way forward.
5. Other issues
There will be an array of matters to consider which will be unique to your family which I have not mentioned here such as religious education , medical decisions, boundaries in relation to bed time and school work etc. I have linked to the Cafcass template above which should help identify things that might crop up but ultimately it is you and the other parent who know what is most important for your children and where decisions and boundaries need to be recorded.
Running through potential future issues at an early stage before they have arisen can help you discuss matters more objectively. If you have a professional involved all the better, take advantage of their input and deal with future difficulties early. One major future issue will be new partners and how and when they will be introduced to children. It will be easier to discuss this whilst it is still a hypothetical scenario rather than later when it becomes a reality and a likely emotive topic.
6. Reviews
Your parenting plan will need to be reviewed regularly as your children and their needs will change with time. Timetabling a regular review is helpful such as once a year (around the time school calendar comes out is helpful as you can plan the future arrangements around school holidays etc.). In addition to setting out the holiday arrangements for the year, it will give you a chance to discuss any big decisions in relation to the children that are coming up and discuss what is working well or what could improve. If you find meetings or discussions difficult you can continue to make use of a mediator to facilitate this.
Agreeing a Parenting Plan may initially appear overwhelming but my experience is that setting out clear arrangements for the children early on will benefit the whole family and minimise scope for conflict going forward. The use of a professional mediator will really be of benefit to help your discussions. If an agreement can’t be reached and legal proceedings are necessary to obtain a child arrangement order, this will be far more costly, stressful and slow than the initial investment in a mediator.
Let me know if this has been helpful, DM me and I will do my best to answer any other family law questions you have.
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